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David and I, like many husbands and wives, try to share the housework. Who does what? Take my advice. Dont divide up chores according to Inside (mine) and Outside (his).

At first it seemed like a good trade. I hate heavy lifting and anything power-tool related, so happily, all repairs are his. Many spring and summer weekends find David mulching for miles. In the fall, he stuffs huge bags full of leaves. Once when the water heater broke, he manned the sump pump and cleanup. Anything dead or slimy is his bailiwick.

But eventually, I grumbled. My inside duties - cleaning, dusting and scrubbing - are year round. Laundry occurs more often than nailing a loose board to the fence. The pruning shears go into storage, but the stove does not.

So David offered to wash the dishes.

There he was at the sink, the faucet at full blast while his sponge circled one plate, over and over and over.

David, you take so long. You shouldnt let the tap run.

Hey, you wash the dishes your way, and Ill do it mine, he said.

Fair enough, so I reclaimed the job.

Dumb like a fox, said my sister when I explained how I didnt want Al Gore pinning a global water shortage on us.

How can I make myself clear without quarreling? I once listened to a gender communications expert (thats somebody who deciphers how women talk and why men dont listen).

In communication, men are direct and women are implied. This means men operate best when asked to do something specific. Women, on the other hand, will offer their help based on a sensed need.

For example, if you were to say, I am so stressed. Ive got a report to finish, theres no food in the house, and I still have two loads of laundry to do.

Typically, a woman might respond, Well, I can help you with the clothes.

A man probably would say, Then dont do the laundry.

The lesson is to state your needs clearly.

Thats ridiculous. He knows I need help. He should just do it without asking, you might say.

Trust me. Assign a task. To you, readying the house for 100 guests might mean cooking or getting more chairs. But to him, cleaning the gutters may seem logical.

And so I put this advice to the test when I left on a five-day trip.

David, please dont let me come back to a sink full of dishes, I said.

And sure enough, when I returned, the sink was empty. A weeks worth of clean plates, bowls, cups and glasses lined the counter. Mail and newspapers were heaped onto the table. I could trace my name in dust on the furniture.

David stood there and beamed.

As you can see, I lived very lightly, he said.

Somewhere cave drawings depict Neanderthals battling it out over housework. Perhaps it will never be even-Steven.

So choose a happy marriage over an unmade bed. The direct-request does work and I find more optimal uses. Like a back rub, or weekend jaunts away, or honey, can you run to the store and pick up this list of stuff?

When the season for outside work arrives, David will push wheelbarrows, do repairs and weed for all hes worth. And I will stand at the window and watch with a cool lemonade in hand.

March 2007 Suzette Martinez Standring

Suzette Martinez Standring is a speaker, columnist and humorist. She is the author of "The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists." She is the past president of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Her Web site is http://www.readsuzette.com Contact her at suzmar@comcast.net

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